Sunday 23 June 2013

Bloggin' aint for me. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

So I havent blogged in a long time and there are many reasons why; one being that I don't have much to blog about, another being that blogging is very tedious. Thirdly no one cares, litrally I get less and less reads for every blog I do.
 And so I am going to stop blogging although I will leave the blog up incase people want to read old blogs and pretend that I am blogging still.
There might be other blogs coming up but only if someone twists my arm to write more superdorkism, but I highly doubt I will.
So I retire because bloggin' isnt and never has been my thing.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Monday 3 June 2013

See no evil, hear no evil, blog no evil.

So I havent blogged in a while since I blogged because I've been revising but after reading Ulysses' blog I felt like having a good old rant. So I present to you the list of things that I hate (THIS IS NOT THE COMPLETE LIST)

1) Fat people in skinny peoples clothes.
You look like an accident waiting to happen, stop it.

2) People who get offended by things people say.
The world's a tough place, get your balls out of your mothers purse.

3) Top Gear
It's a show full of cunts and if you like it you're a cunt. No acceptions.

4) The enviroment.
I only drink bottled water.

5) Labour supporters.
"Ooh be nice to us, we're poor."

6) Tory supporters.
The offcial twat party.

7) Lib-Dems.
Just give up.

8) Plaid Cymru.
Hahahahaha oh stop seriously hahahahaha oh my ribs.

9) Fucking commas!
My relationship with commas has been a rocky one I dont really want to go into that.

10) People who say "I dont really want to go into that"
Arseholes.

11) The word "Magical"
Grow the fuck up.

12) woman who dont wear bras
isnt that uncomfertable?

13) Insects.
Just fucking die.

14) Chris Evans
I cant put into words how much this rabbit looking mother fucker grinds my gears.

15) Ian Hislop
drop off the earth please.

14) Fire.
It hurts when I touch it!

16) People who's names are a combination of two names.
Not like "Tomos Sion" but if his name was "Tomosionos"

17) Lists.

18) Irony.

19) Murder.
there's just no need.

20) endings without a sighn off.

Sunday 26 May 2013

All in Bad Taste. Part 1

Not alot of people know that as a young lad I had terrorfying nightmares that when repeated to my sister a few months ago kept her awake that night. They were a series of dreams that took place over a week and at the end of the week they miraculously stopped. Lucky me, yet these dreams still haunt me heavily to this day because they werent explained. I have no idea what they were and what stopped them. Now I'm no believer in ghosts or past lives so I seriously dont believe there is a deeper spiritual reason behind this. Well I know because I'm not three years old.
 The first dream occured a few weeks after I stopped being an insomniac, and as a child I was scared of my own shadow so obviously a dream of this sinisterness and horror. Can I also just make a point that I was either six or seven. The dream begins in a victorian field with a road down the middle, a castle is seen in the distance, mind you this isnt a creepy field. Just a country field. Rushing down this field is a victorian wealthy girl on a bike having the time of her life being chased by a little dog, not a scary dog. It is genuinly a nice scene. So this goes on for a while until the girl gets bored and turns down into a victorian village, she wanders around for a while until a family confront her and she explains that shes lost, they then agree to take her in until the constable returns from a holiday or something. The girl is having lunch and gets annoyed and snobby (shes a spoilt, wealthy girl) she throws her plate and refuses to sleep upstairs and then the dad uses scare tatics to make her go to bed. He tells her that there is a ghost under the stairs that eats anyone who is downstairs passed midnight, she doesnt believe him and strops on the sofa.
 The point of view changes and time has passed. I am the P.O.V. of a man with black leather gloves, I move slowly and in a horrifically sinster. I make no noises over than breathing heavily and slowly. It is nightime and the girl is watching a fire in her nighty, I slip from behind the stairs and grab a walking stick and creep behind her, I grab a fire poker. I grab her from around the neck with the walking stick and I am no longer stealthy I am violent and sharp and I am breathing heavily and vigourously almost as if I am aroused. I beat her violently on the top of the head with the fire poker and all I remember was the sound of garggling blood and pieces of skull splattering everywhere and her sort of screaming for her mother. I also remember during this bit thinking "Stop, stop, I dont want to do this, this is wrong. Stop please" Like someone was using my body.

I woke up and I was so afraid to even get out of bed, although I was also scared of this mystery murderer I was lso scared of myself because apparently it was me. In the corner of my eyes all I saw was this girl with the walking stick around her neck and the echoing noise of a metal poker banging into a skull. My day was ruined, full of fear. I couldent sleep the next night I was so scared.



It gets worst.

In case this scared you, listen to this before going to bed http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLdFhs1n-WU

Saturday 25 May 2013

Arguements where opinions can be wrong.


A lot of people like to say in an argument "Well, I'm entitled to my own opinion" and 9 times out of 10 this is true, however there are some situations where your opinion is just wrong.



1) Saying Star Wars is bad.

Yeah its okay to say there were flaws with the film, but heres the thing; judging by the time it was released it was not only ahead of its time in SFX but in every sense of the word. 'Twas a huge mile-stone in the progression of cinema and had a bigger twist than Sixth Sense (people disagree seeing that watching the prequals totally gives it away but if you watch New Hope, Empire and Jedi then you'll realise how huge it was.) The twist in Empire not only trigger huge media attention with the words "Luke, I am your father!" printed on every bag, T-shirt and shoe all over the globe but inspired so many other twists, all you need to do to figure out the twists in such classics as Fight Club and Sixth Sense is to follow what I call Vader-Logic. If it isnt obvious but hinted at, thats probably it.
 To end this, these films had everthing a film needs and if you dont like than you are automatically and idiot and idiots arnt that fun to argue with. You are wrong.


2) Racist arguments.

We all know racists are stupid. Thats just a given, however there is one old-fashioned arguement that just makes peoples skin crawl. This whole "black/asians/mexicans/arabs/jews are almost a different speices to us whites". Which (I admitt) isnt such a thing in Britain, although in the States and other places it is still considered a liable argument and still gets defended with "Well in my opinion they're like a different spieces." Well no, SCIENCE and COMMON SENSE will tell you there is one  chromosome diffrance in races. "Bu-" , no no. You are dumb.


3) Pizza sucks.

Do I even have to comment on this one?

4) Queen are shit.

What's shit about them? There singer who has one of the widest ranges in history? The guiatrist who is one of the greatest guitarists of all time? The originality? The fact that they did so much for charity? Oh its because they're old? You are dumb and wrong.

5) Any conservative of republican argument.

there really isnt a limit to human stupidity is there?

Monday 20 May 2013

The shows and characters that shaped me and how they shaped me.

So earlier today I was thinking what made me...Well, me? And later in the day I was watching some clips from cartoons I watched as a wee-lad and I came to this stunning realisation. These shaped me, they moulded me in loads of diffrent ways.

Through my brother shows like this came into my life which shows why I've always had a love for things that were far too mature for me and my fellow classmates (Ulysses will remember my fasination of The Shining when we were in year 3).

 The shows and characters are as followed.

Let's begin with the show Ren and Stimpy:
The Ren & Stimpy Show was an American cartoon which aired from August 11th 1991 to November 14th 1996. The series focuses on the titular characters: Ren Hoek, an emotionally unstable chihuahua, and Stimpson J. Cat, a good-natured, dimwitted cat. The show ran for five seasons on the network. The show has received critical acclaim and developed a cult following during and after its run, while some critics credit it for leading the way for satirical animated shows like Beavis and Butthead and South Park, and playing a significant role in television animation. Throughout its run, The Ren & Stimpy Show was controversia for its off-colour humour , sexua linnuendo , and violence, each of which contributed to the production staff's altercations with Nickelodeon's Standerds and practice department.

Just by knowing me and by reading the reasons why it was controversial you will know there is an immediate connection between me and the show. Let's look at the characters and see how they influanced me.

Ren

Ren is a violent, aggresive, selfish, cowardly, weak willed, unpleasent, obnoxious and very psychotic. He has a raspy, insane version of Peter Lorre's voice and will always go off and do something worryingly sociopathic and will make the audiance (purpously) uncomfertable. He gained wide public attention due to the fact that he was one of the first protagonists on a childs show to be boderline insane and very cruel.
 Although I wouldent really say I am a bad person many traits of Ren's I have picked-up (and did so knowingly) the fact that I will crush my friends hopes and dreams and insult them at any chance I get is inherited from the character of Ren. Infact I would say that my relationship with my friend Tomos is almost exactly like the relationship between Ren and Stimpy; Ren will always but Stimpy down and try and trick him into doing things for Rens amuesment but all in all Ren truely cares for Stimpy and Stimpy (although dim-witted) is one of the very few people who understand Ren.

Stimpy
Stimpy is a good natured, stupid, kind and fair cat. Although many of you are saying "what in gods good graces could Jacob possibly have gotten from this character!?" Well I shake my fist at you in rage for there are many things I have learnt from Stimpy. Although I would say that the Ren nuggets have fallen more into my personality than the Stimpy ones, there are a few factors that stand-out. The fact that no matter what is bothering them I will always do my best to help out a friend is the help is needed. I also learnt that people come in all diffrent shapes and sizes from Stimpy; he will frequently wear skirts and dresses (which is something that is frownd upon in my household...Well, frownd-upon is an understatement). He also gets pelted with insults constantly and shrugs them off, much like I do and most importantly, Stimpy taught me that all we can truely do in life is to enjoy ourselves and that it's okay to be stupid sometimes.


Moving Swiftly along to The Angry Beavers:

The series revolves around Daggett and Norbert Beaver, two young beaver brothers who have left their home to become bachelors in the forest near the fictional Wayouttatown, Oregon. The show premiered in the States on April 19, 1997. The first indicator to their insperation is the fact that the show is about two beavers living my dream, but more about the characters.


Daggett Doofues Beaver:

The youngest of the Beaver Brothers is Daggett, he is hyper-active and immature and has a habit of over-emphasized motions in a manic way and is a fan of name calling. He shares a typical love-hate relationship with his brother as most siblings do. Having said this he is a very hard worker and is quite skilled at construction. Now, this shows a diffrent side to me from Ren and Stimpy. Rather than "Good-Bad" this is "Hyper-Laid back". As many people have noticed I am a huge fan of things that are immature and just plain silly that causes people to roll their eyes, also if I have enough energy I will be increadably hyper-active either by dancing like a loonatic or jumping on my friends to annoy them. And although many people will disagree I am also a hard worker, but only on things I care about, much like Daggett who only works hard in construction.


Norbert Foster Beaver:
Norbert is Daggertt's laid back older brother. He is well-spoken and intelligent with a highly sarcastic tone in his voice and speech patterns. He will frequently maniplulate his brother but also shows great concern and love for him.
Now, some of you have already noticed the obvious things, I am rather laid-back with things that most people panic about (I like to think of myself as the voice of reason in high tention situations) and I dont mean to toot my own horn but I also consider myself rather intelligent and some of you learnt the hard way that I am also sarcastic. I also enjoy teaching my younger four to six year old sisters things they dont understand for my own amuesment but I do show deep concern and love for them.


Next; Rocko's Modern Life:

The show aired for four seasons between 1993 and 1996 on Nickelodeon. Rocko's Modern Life is based around the sureal, parodic adventures of an anthropormorphic, Australian-immigrant wallaby named Rocko, and his new life in the city of O-Town. The show explores his American life as well as the lives of his friends: the gluttonous steer Heffer, the neurotic turtle Fillburt, and Rocko's faithful dog, Spunky. The show is laden with adult humor, including double entrendres, innuendo, and starical social commentary.

Rocko:
 

Rocko is a wallaby who emigrated from Australia to the United States, he is the main character and the protagonist of the show. He is 18 years old. He is a sensible, moral, and somewhat timid character who enjoys the simple pleasures in life, such as doing his laundry or feeding his dog, Spunky. He is neat, compassionate, and self-conscious. He wears a blue shirt with purple triangles on it that he has become quite attached to. He doesn't wear any pants. Rocko usually works at "Kind of a Lot o' Comics". His hobbies include recreational jackhammering and pining for the love of his life, Melba Toast. Due to Rocko's benevolence and non-confrontational personality, his kindness is often taken for weakness. He is often taken advantage of by the other characters. Rocko would prefer to live a quiet life, but his reckless friends often throw him into turbulent situations. His most common catchphrase is "______-Day is a very dangerous day", even once saying "Open mic night is a very dangerous night." He is often mistaken for a kangaroo, a platypus, and occasionally a beaver, weasel or even a dog. Rocko has no family name because the writers could not think of a family name that they liked. Although many of you may think Rocko didnt take such a major part of my personality that just shows how well you know me, my closest friends have seen the Rocko inside me (mainly Ulysses who takes the piss out of the Rocko inside me). WARNING JACOB IS ABOUT TO GET DEEP: Although I am not infact an immagrant I do feel a lot of what Rocko feels when he comes to America, an isolation from others and a need to fit in. Although I am not timid on the surface, in new social groups I am increadably quiet and it does take a while to get me to come out of my shell. I would consider myself a rather sensible and actually (although I do enjoy the odd controversial joke) moral being. I also make a point in my life that I enjoy the little things and have been noted to take much happiness in trivial things like finding my batman pyjamas. Also (although again it is under the shell of my hard being) I am a huge non-confritational, although I'm not bothered if I get in an arguement I do make it a thing to avoid it in the first place. On top of that the reason I have adapted a hard outer shell is because I did suffer from the kindness-weakness thing in my earlier years and was walked over by others. And much like Rocko my older friends would put me in situations in which I did not wish to be involved in, for example; throwing slates or pouring urine on others. I would of much perfered a quiter life much like I have now.



Aaahh!!! Real Monsters:
 

 Aaahh!!! Real Monsters was a very underground show about adolescent monsters in training, developed  for Nickelodeon The show ran for four seasons on Nickelodeon's main United States cable channel and was rerun on Nicktoons until 2006. The series is currently being released on DVD.
The show focuses on three young monsters — Ickis, Oblina and Krumm — who attend an institute for monsters under a city dump and learn to frighten humans. Many of the episodes revolve around them making it to the surface in order to perform "scares" as class assignments.
The reason the show wasnt well known is probably because of the fact that A) It was on at like 8 so I usually had to go to bed straight afterward while other children were already asleep and B) Most parents probably didnt want their children to watch a show about a little fat man who holds his own eyes, a purple goblin and a long scary umbrella bitch.



Ickis:




Ickis is the main protagonist of the series. His method of scaring humans is the ability to grow bigger. However, due to Ickis' large ears, he is often confused with a bunny rabbit. Ickis also tends to be on the nervous side and often has a lack of self-confidence, partly from trying to live up to the legacy of his father who was the academy's like honour student.

The worst thing about being a monster that might be considered "cute" by humans is that it comes as a disadvantage when you're trying to scare people! Ickis knows this all too well, but he's been working on perfecting his scare strategies even before he began attending the Gromble's school. Ickis has big shoes to fill, as his dad Slickis is a legendary monster who is famous for his scares. This definitely puts the pressure on Ickis, but his best friends Krumm and Oblina always help him out of the many jams he gets himself into.
The reason I chose these cartoons in this order is because it starts with things that everyone can see (Ren and Stimpy and The Angry Beavers) but later goes into the more personal things like this and Rocko's modern life.
Much like Ickis I find it hard to be taken seriously as a comedian or a film-maker due to the fact that I am young (much like Ickis finding it hard to get into the scaring buisness because people find him cute.) Also Ickis must live up to his fathers reputation in the academy, I also constantly get reminded about how much stage work my brother did in school and how I need to live up to him and how well my sister did academically. So I also have pretty big shoes to fill, this causes both me and Ickis to have a major infuriority complex.



Many of you will notices the flaw that "Oh these show makers chose those characteristic because everyones like that." And you're probaly right....Still it's healthy to think.

And so I leave you with this; Think about what shaped you into the person you are and I suggest you blog it. Peace out.





Sunday 5 May 2013

You disapoint me bia-tches.

I was gonna do a Q and A but I got one question so instead I just responded to that on person on the comments :I

Thursday 2 May 2013

old friends and new friends (ALSO comment with questions please; I'm doing a Q and A)

So in an earlier blog I talked about my life in Creuddyn and I said a lot about friends (not the over-played american sitcom) and so I thought I'd dwell on that, also tommorow is the last day so I'm gonna be very blunt and get a lot of shit off my chest.

Let's begin with the bad shit so then the good shit seems nice. My old friends.
It's safe to say that my old friends are cunts. Plain and simple. I resent them and I get angry at myself that I cant just cut ties with them because I am a massive pussy, these are the people that I spent year seven, eight and nine with. I'm still not going to use real names because I'm not sure if I can get sued.
(can I just point out that I will not mention friends who can take a fucking hint)

Let's start with...Let's call him...Leopard (I imagine that you will all figure out who these people are. DISCLAIMER: I do not hate these people, nor should anyone else, I just grew apart from them and if I dont take it out here it will remain on my chest forever.)

Yeah so Leopard. I didnt really know you until around year 9 when I started to go to the music room, and you were alright, you genuinly were awesome and I saw us as a double act. Then we were in the same science and that rocked. But then you moved to my damn Math class, and you just would not stop braggin' about how fucking well you did in a past paper. "I'm the only person who got in the 90's" NEWSFLASH! You're in set four. And I had sit there and let you comment not only on my intelligance but my persons and make me feel so fucking low about myself, and then you'd invite me to your house so you could just brag all night long about how awesome you and your life is/are. And how I suck and that my life sucks compared to yours. But now I realise, my life rocks.
 Having said all this, I dont hate you...I feel sorry for you, you lack so much depth and personality that you have to make up for it by telling me bull-shit stories about how you and your brothers put drawing pins on a go-cart and popped kids tires, 1) thats a dick move, not impressive 2) most kids will tell their parents who would tell the police.
 You have such low self-esteem that you have to crush everyone elses self esteem.


Next let's go to...Sanders. I was really that close to you but I do need to get this off my chest, you are not only a liar. You are sick in the head. You nearly killed a girl with a slate and you cut your cheek open with a slate over cherry-fucking-coke. And on top of that you strangled a girl until her neck was red and she couldent breath. I dont care what she might or might not have done. Its fucked up, get the fuck out of my life before you kill someone, cause I dont want to be interviewed by the police and 'dem finding my weed!

and finally....Wormtounge. Now this might be a little brutal but you need to understand what this guy did to me. You were one of the harshest people when I came to this school. You would belittle me and humilate me. You were also increadably guilty of being an arragont little shit, you sit there and compare out reports, laughing at my failures. What kind of scum-bag does that? You mock my weight and my physical appearance and my intellect to the point of me looking at myself in the mirror hating myself, and you knew that you did and you took pride in the fact that you could get me to that state. You constantly pick peoples insecurities and pick at them and pick at them until that person asks you to stop and then you continue, you also ruined my relationship with the only girl I've ever loved by inteltionally making me hate her and by spreading lies that caused everyone to turn againts me, why? Because you wanted me for yourself you disgustly selfish brat. Your views on homosexualality are devoid of any logic, you claim to be an Atheist then you say that homosexuals shouldent be married, on what fucking planet does that make sense you piece of shit! And on a rather personal note, I dont give a fuck what you did on the weekend you fucking attention seeker! I dont give a shit about red, blue, dead or whatever the fuck its called, get off your fucking high horse you stinky skinny prick. And can I just say, a boyfriend who lets his friends say the harshest things about his girlfriend (whether she hears it not) and then laughs along, doesnt deserve a girlfriend. You dont deserve a girlfriend at this current point in time until you get over your-fucking-self and realise that you are not better or smarter than everyone else, infact you are the one of the stupidest, most arragont, igrorant, obnoxious, crueliest and most vile person I've ever had the displeasure of being in contact with, I deleted you off facebook because when I leave I want no fucking connection with you what-so-ever. I cant wait to live a life without you doing that smug golf swing thing you do when you do something mediocre. Oh and by the way, just cause you dont like the taste of mint, doesnt mean you shouldent brush your teeth, Your breath is fucking vile.


Now onto the good stuff, I will write a paragraph for all my good friends.

Ulysses: You were one of my first ever friends, like...Ever.We have had our serious rough patches, we've had girls seperate us, we've had our own pride seperate us, hell we've had family members sepreate us (mainly mine) but y'know what. We're still standing, in English we're seen as a fucking double act! You're the guy who I can rave about cheesy films with, laugh at idiots with, gossip with, be clever with and get angry with. And I can feel it in my stank-bone, that if family members cant stop us from being friends...If girls cant stop us being friends...If you fucking choking me cant stop us being friends! Whats a school speration gonna do? Lets make the rest of our lives as Mega-Dega as Nic and Tristan.

Tomos: I can remember to this day as one of my most vivid memories this teddy-bear looking kid coming to my school and being super confuesed because you were the new kid. It's one of my fondest memories also. Because on that day, I made a friend for life. I am crying writing this because I didnt take the time out to appreciate what a glorious friend I had, and if I just spoke to you during my hard times things could of been totally diffrent. I am so proud of you, I have never been so proud as to see a guy I know grow into such a respectable, kind gentleman. And I wish I took the time out to appreciate what a friend I had. Thank you Tom, you are a hero in my eyes. And I will teach my future children to live like Tom.

Curtis: God where to begin? The day we met cause I cant remember that far back? Or shall we begin with the worst video of all time? Curtis of the dead. You cant spoof a comedy for fuck sake.
Curtis for as long as I can remember you have been a brother to me, I practically live at your house and we spend so much time together and I am never sick of your company, cause you are one of the very few people I know who honestly would never intentionally hurt someone. Ever. Everything, great or small that has happend to me, you were there with me every step of the way and I hope that you will continue to be. You and me are the true definition of guy love. I love you man.

Louise: Saving this one for last ;D. Where do I begin Louise? I know it was in year 9 and I know it was only two months, but to this day those two months were the greatest who months of my life, I dont regret anything from those two months, the onlt thing I regret is letting you go, but such is life. You introduced me into the world in a way, because before I met you I was so un-aware of the vastness of the world. You are the only girl I've ever loved, and in a way I will always love you. I will defiantly always be here for you and I will definatly always protect you. You are so beautiful inside and out and you shaped me into the guy I am today (take that as a good thing. I rock) So thank you for the being my first love, I couldent imagine anyone I'd rather be my first love.

There are countless more on this list who have featured previously. Fact is, these guys were with my through both primary and secondary and Louise is the only girl I've ever loved so....Yeah.

Thank you everyone who made this journey what it was, and I wouldent change it for the world.


ALSO: Comment any questions you have for me because if I have over like five I'll do a Q and A thing.